


Him and Nothing Else

by gabbspitargue



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kleinsen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, Slurs, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-05 00:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11566770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabbspitargue/pseuds/gabbspitargue
Summary: Jared needs to be honest, Evan wants to complete his lists, and Connor has secrets to keep.There are many things that could be.But the best he could do is to just wish that the situation played out differently.Why does this happen every time?[Partly AU, it'll make sense as the chapters go. I suck at writing built-ups.]





	1. Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time to really write a fan fiction, so let me know if I'm doing this right. More chapters coming soon.  
> Also, I do not own Dear Evan Hansen and its characters.

_Not like this._

Summer wasn't meant to be this lonely.

_Lonely and full of lies._

Jared really did try to be normal.

As normal as his  _Dad_  would ever want him to be.

But he can't.

_Not this way._

He watches as the Israeli girl smiles sadly at him and started to put back on the shirt that they both hastily removed earlier.

Both of them were considered "not-normal" in this camp.

So, they decided to  _pretend to be normal together._

Obviously, they couldn't do such thing.

Lying to yourself is never the way.

_He wished that they would understand._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of my work. :D


	2. L'appel Du Vide

He always finds himself seated there, on top of a giant rock in the middle of Ellison State Park.

Evan likes being up here, alone with the wind and the view of the sea of trees.

Trees that he had been wanting to climb, but could never find the courage to do so.

_You’re a coward._

Coward for not confidently answering a tourist’s question earlier.

Coward for hiding on top of a rock just to avoid even more park inquiries.

_Idiot, you’re supposed to be down there guiding anyone who could be lost._

But just like the day before and all the days since he started, he’s here.

Waiting for his work hours to be over.

_What are you doing?_

_You promised._

Sighing, he peaked at the edge of the rock, checking if there are still people below.

There’s no one there anymore.

_But he continues to stare down._

He likes the height very much.

_The feeling of being up there._

And just like the day before and all the days since he started, _he wanted to know what it feels like to jump._

But he couldn’t.

_He wouldn’t._

Evan moves away and made his way to the side where he would usually climb.

Climbing this rock on this side is easier.

_Less dangerous._

He doesn’t like the idea of getting himself hurt.

Evan stares at the tallest tree from this side of the view.

 _Before the summer ends,_ he made a promise, _I’m going to climb on that tree._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L'appel Du Vide means "the call of the void" in French, just in case you don't know.  
> Anyway, I ended up with exactly 250 words on this one. Hope this is a good sign for my writing skills.


	3. Get Me Out

_I hate this place._

Connor was never the type to follow his parents' wishes.

In fact, his mother made it clear that he is free to do whatever the fuck he wants.

But his _Dad had to be the hero_ who makes things right.

_Because he loves this family so much._

So much that he was willing to send his son to _this hell hole._

_He couldn’t have done that earlier?_

A campfire smoke from the other side of the lake can be seen from his room again, now along with a distant sound of Kumbaya.

_How many kids attended this camp? How the hell can I hear their god-awful singing from my room?_

_Not my room. My prison cell._

He wonders if he would be around that fire too had he not ignored his mom’s idea to join a summer camp three years ago.

_That’s why you are here, idiot._

_If you didn’t keep doing what you want, you wouldn’t have ended up with the wrong group of people._

The smoke reminds him of what he did with all the vacations in between his high school life so far.

_I seriously need a joint right now._

He can’t have one right now, of course. Not when all of “his friends” are aware of _his current location_.

He stood up, took the Swiss Knife from the secret pocket of his jacket, and started with his nightly routine.

Unscrew this, unscrew that.

Push and Pull.

_Viola!_

He loves the feeling of being outside every night. Away from the _other freaks that needed “healing”_.

This time he was making his way along the lake’s shore, using the quickest path to the summer camp.

He went there the first night he discovered a way to go outside, a few days before the campers arrived.

Back when his regrets started kicking in.

He remembers walking around that place, appreciating how empty it was.

How different would all of his summers would be had he been part of the silly camp life.

_What could have been._

He remembers sitting on one of the logs, pretending to be in the middle a campfire song with weirdos from different places.

This time he can watch real people sing around the fire.

_Real people enjoying a stranger’s company._

He wonders why he hasn’t sneaked by since the camp started.

He would always just look for new spots to breathe open air.

Always staying clear from possible places where people could see him.

_They don’t want you there, that’s why._

But he continued walking, for once he wants to be part of something, even if it’s just from afar.

“Shit!”

Connor stopped on his tracks, quickly turning to see where the voice came from.

“Shit! This can’t be!”

“What did I do? I thought you like me?”

“It’s not you, it’s thi-this!”

“Okay, what’s that got to do with our make out session?”

Connor felt like a bucket of ice cold water was poured on his back.

_I shouldn’t be here._

“Please be alright-please…”

But curiosity got the better of him.

Because the voices were both male.

Even more, the panicked one sounded familiar.

He has no idea why, but he just had to see who it was.

_You’re doing it again. Stop._

_Don’t you remember what happened the last time?_

He hesitantly followed the sound while hiding behind all the plants that he could find.

Two topless guys were seated on some sort of a thick blanket. The thinner of the two was busy trying to kiss the other who was frantically typing on his phone.

The larger guy was wearing glasses and judging from the reflection it was easy to tell that he just received a long-ass message.

And from his movements, he definitely just received bad news.

_Jared Kleinman?_

_Figures._

Connor started to move away when the thinner one took Jared’s phone and began kissing Jared.

Jared wrapped his hands round him and started kissing back.

"Everything is going to be fine. I'm here for you."

"I just-I-I-"

The two proceeded with their make out session as if they were alone.

But they didn't know that Connor was there.

That he could not look away.

_“Disgusting little faggot.”_

He heard _that voice_ inside his head again.

The urge to vomit began rising from the pit of his stomach.

_I have to get out of here._

He started to run away.

Away from what he saw.

_Great, another entry to the long list of secrets to keep._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 750 words, that's a miracle!  
> Special thank you to all the Kudos and to everyone who has read the first 3 chapters.  
> Love you all!


	4. You Know it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been watching too many Netflix shows lately, so all the names used for my OCs are from some random series.

_Tonight, I am going to have fun._

That’s all Jared wanted ever since he started being a camp boy the summer before high school started.

But then one of his bunk mates just had to point out how helpless he is at making new friends.

_“You must be gay!”_

_“Leave me alone, my life is none of your business!”_

Jared stopped himself from letting that part of his life resurface.

_I’m so glad he isn’t here this year, now is my chance._

He scanned the picnic area looking for fellow campers that he managed to talk to during previous camps.

He always managed to make a small conversation with someone new before Keiran would do his usual walk-by and say horrible things about him.

Keiran was the camp bully for three Summer Camps. This year it’s Natalia, the Barbie look-a-like from Brooklyn’s cabin.

But unlike Keiran, Natalia is a different kind of bully.

The kind that bullies stupid people and anyone who bothers everyone that she considers to be her friend.

Best of all, she is open-minded about _certain aspects of life_.

That’s why she’s friends with Brooklyn.

Oh, sweet Brooklyn.

The only girl from camp who bothered to complete a conversation with him because _they’re the same._

It was Natalia’s idea that he and Brooklyn should have an experimental hook-up for a while.

_“I never knew that I am a bisexual until I tried, you guys should check too.”_

Her idea did help a little bit, mostly on stopping Keiran’s old buddies from calling him a faggot once more.

Heck, they seemed to be proud of him now.

_“Dude’s banging Miss Big Boobsy of the Sexy Israeli Gals since camp started. He’s the man!”_

He’s not the man.

_The whole thing was a lie._

The discover your sexuality part?

It didn’t help, _at all_.

It only made him more confused about himself.

On the first night that they tried, Jared had a panic attack when he saw her topless.

She’s beautiful, yes.

But he couldn’t touch her.

_He didn’t want to._

So, the next few nights were just the two of them kissing for a few minutes until they don’t feel comfortable anymore and ends with the two of them talking about their respective point of attraction.

_“Have you told him?”_

_“He doesn’t know. He doesn’t need to know.”_

Jared smiled at the fact that he has someone who knows about the truth. It’s a good start.

He watched as Brooklyn laugh beside Nina, her point of attraction.

He wonders if it will ever be like that again with his old friend.

He messed up their friendship at some point and it is going to be difficult explaining his behavior for the past three years.

Archie silently sat beside him while he contemplates if he should tell _his_ point of attraction what he wanted to say.

“You know, you can tell me the truth.”

Jared was snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Archie who was now slicing some mangoes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Archie smirked and proceeded to gobble the biggest mango slice. “No one looks at a chick that he is banging that way. You guys have obviously not done it.”

“I- “, Jared looked around to check if someone was listening.

“Relax, your secret is safe with me. Just don’t let the other demons find out.”

Archie was one of Keiran’s “Demons”, the quiet one in the group.

He’s the only one who never bullied Jared, the only one who bothered to stop Keiran from going physical towards any campers.

Jared always liked Archie, mainly because prior to starting high school, he witnessed this guy calm a lot of people down with just simple words and a look, like a celestial being able to control events at his will.

_Does that make sense?_

Maybe it’s Archie’s abs or his height, but he just seemed to be the persuasive strong guy that Jared wanted as a friend.

He reminds him of _someone_.

But then again, Archie was only there whenever Keiran was almost done with his bullying.

He never stopped Keiran from starting his destructive actions.

“We’ve all kind of known everyone in this camp since we started. I think I would know if Natz had been telling the truth.”

“Your point?”

“Natz is horrible at creating and spreading rumors. It’s a good thing the rest of our fellow campers bought her so-called ‘great news’ about you and Brooklyn.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I like observing people and I think we should become friends.”

“I like that.”

The rest of the day was filled with Jared and Archie going over all the picnic tables and every circle of friends to remove the social barrier that Kieran had created.

It felt great to do this.

Letting the truth out to trustworthy people and making some friends.

That night, there was a knock on the window where Jared and Brooklyn were supposed to do their nightly hook-ups.

Since then, there was a different nightly routine at the summer camp.

A routine that Jared was comfortable and happy with.

Stories about the past, a dream of the future, and the laughter in the current time.

_No secrets in between._

When the camp hit its “half-way-there” celebration campfire, Archie asked him for a walk further in the woods.

“I swear, if you ended up being some psycho-killer who plotted Keiran’s assassination that happens to be the reason for his absence this-”

“Relax, just follow me. Okay?”

Jared has never felt so contented before.

And he was contented at the fact that he and Archie finally shared a kiss.

The cheesy part of it was Archie’s preparation.

_A comforter in the middle of the woods. How in the-?_

Despite the bonding times that they’ve had, they were never alone like this before.

If Brooklyn wasn’t always in the room with them, Jared would’ve probably made the move.

He wouldn’t do that, of course.

He didn’t even know that he wanted to do that _until now._

They were finally in their full on make-out session when Jared’s phone vibrated from his front pocket.

Archie giggled at the feeling and took the phone from Jared’s pants.

“Inappropriate touching of a sensitive area, Mister. If you didn’t have abs I would’ve Kodokan the hell out of you,” said Jared as he tries to take the phone away from Archie’s hand.

“Yes, do your Judo moves on me. I’d love that.” He mumbles as he nibbled on the side of Jared’s neck.

“I didn’t realize that you actually have a kink. We can work on that someday.”

Jared face slowly turned to worry as he read the text from the mother of his _original_ point of attraction.

_Original? You’re not even sure if that part left to begin with and the ‘new’ one probably doesn’t count._

Summer vacations can also be awfully a short time to get over and learn new things.

Her text was long, and it didn’t answer any of the questions that started to brew inside Jared’s head.

“Shit!”

Evan is in the hospital and his mom, Heidi, was asking if Jared could stay the night at the hospital to keep an eye on Evan until he’s discharged.

_Did she forget that I’m not home this time around?_

What didn’t help from this long message is that it’s just an excuse letter of why Ms. Hansen couldn’t be there for her son.

The other thing that wasn’t helping was Archie.

He seemed so focused on what he’s doing, he didn’t bother to know what was Jared’s current concern.

He barely remembered what Archie told him and what his response was.

He just typed questions about how and why Evan was in the hospital and if he was okay.

It took a few minutes before Heidi’s simple response arrived.

> "He was missing for a few hours according to his manager then he ended up in the emergency room."

_What is it with people answering messages with incomplete context?_

_Does she not know her own son’s condition?_

He wanted to go.

He wanted to _be there for Evan._

But there’s no way he could go home right now, even if he wanted to.

Jared typed as fast as he could to explain why he couldn’t come and that how much he really wants to.

A simple thank you text came from Heidi while Jared was unconsciously muttering “please be alright” repeatedly.

_What the heck happened to you Evan?_

_Did somebody abduct you?_

_Where were you?_

_Are you dying?_

_How critical is your situation right now?_

_Did the hospital did the right procedures to take care of you?_

Thousands of questions flooded his brain, he didn’t even realize that Archie was kissing him again.

"Everything is going to be fine. I'm here for you."

He didn’t believe him and the kiss that followed felt empty.

It felt insincere.

It even felt more ridiculous when he heard a movement and Archie insisted that he’s imagining things because he’s worried.

But Jared saw somebody.

Not the person’s face, just their silhouette.

Curly haired male with a tall and thin physique.

And he was about to vomit as he runs away.

_Vomiting because of what he saw, perhaps?_

_Guess we’re back to square one._

Now he must deal with the fact that someone saw them that night.

He was miserable since then.

He stopped going to his nightly camp routine.

He avoided Archie, he avoided Brooklyn, he avoided everybody.

He didn’t want to be part of anything.

_He needs to be left alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole fan-fiction writing is helping me develop my writing skills. I'm excited to see what I can do.  
> Thank you so much for the Kudos!


	5. Where Were You

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

_Little promises to keep yet you still fail._

_Way to go._

Evan loves pizzas, but apparently, he doesn’t love it enough to be able to order one on his own.

His manager, Jonas, has now fallen asleep on the porch of the administrative cabin, the last pizza piece dangling from his hand.

_Really, Evan?_

_It’s a simple phone call._

_How on earth do you mess up a simple freaking phone call?_

He stood up from the small bench that he was sitting on and then started to clean up the remnants of their late afternoon snack time.

When he was done, he took a blanket from the supply cabinet and draped it over Jonas.

Silently thanking him for finishing his phone call for him.

Bummed as ever, he made his way to his favorite hiding spot.

It was getting dark, and Evan doesn’t feel like going home.

_Finding a job?_

_You got one, but not the one you were planning to have._

_Saving up?_

_You’re doing well, but it’s not enough for college._

_Be confident in guiding tourists?_

_Fail, but being involved with them was never in the original list._

_Have a conversation without stuttering?_

_Fail._

_Doing your job?_

_Super Fail._

_Befriending someone new?_

_Success._

_No, it’s not._

_Your manager doesn’t count._

_He’s supposed to be nice to you._

_So, it is still a fail._

And the list goes on.

The only thing he could do now is sigh.

He was there, but there will always be a disconnection.

A misstep.

Nothing ever goes the way he wanted.

_“Are you doing well in your job, Sweetie?”_

_“Of course.”_

All these questions from his Mom, none of them answered truthfully.

He wonders if she actually cares for him or if she’s acting like she does because she has to.

_Don’t._

_Why do you always go there?_

Looking up to the sky, he stops and inhales deeply.

As he exhales, the shadow of his favorite rock was slowly darkening his view.

Doing his usual climb doesn’t seem appealing right now.

So, he passed by it.

Maybe just this once, he could fulfil one of his promises to himself.

_We could start by trying something you’ve always thought of as dangerous._

There is a lot on that dangerous list.

The easiest one would do.

_If you can’t do that, you’re never going to do anything right._

Reaching the bottom of his favorite tree, he started looking for branches that he could use to climb.

_You can do this, you can do this, you can do this._

_Think happy thoughts._

His head was busy reminiscing a few things that seemed nice about his life while his body was synchronized in finding its way on top.

When he reached the highest among the biggest branch, his train of happy thoughts was derailed.

He was far away from the ground.

His position is higher that his usual spot.

Higher than he thought he could ever be.

_Too high._

His breathing starts to feel uneven.

_Don’t look down._

Leaning against the trunk, he hugs his legs and watches the sky.

_Clouds. Clouds are nice._

The mix of indigoes and dark oranges was something that fascinated him since his first time to really observe a sunset.

This time, there’s something different about its beauty.

He doesn’t know why, but it prompted him to think about all his failures.

_Why do you do this to yourself?_

But he does anyway.

He thinks about his Dad’s disappointed face.

_“This is useless!”_

His Mom’s fake smile.

_Was it fake to begin with?_

The confused face of everyone he talks to.

_Was it really that bad?_

A friend’s insults.

_Why?_

His failed attempt to get to know the love of his life.

_How?_

Voices of various people flooding in.

_Who?_

Everything falling apart.

_When?_

He couldn’t stop.

Everything was becoming blurry.

A headache came and he pulled his hair, as if it helps.

_Why is it so painful?_

Tears slowly fall as he tries his to bury his thoughts.

When he finally stopped pulling his hair, night has consumed the sky.

Stars twinkling, unaware of a crying boy on top of a tree.

And he felt empty.

He usually does after crying.

_Why do I even cry?_

He wants to know.

For a long while he focused on that hollow feeling.

It’s the only thing that felt right.

It usually does.

Few hours have passed and Evan was now asleep.

He was smiling.

When he opened his eyes, he was suddenly aware of the height.

_What?_

As the hair on the back of his neck stood, he searches for a way down.

The darkness creeping below scared him.

_You shouldn’t be here, it’s dangerous._

Afraid that he might fall, he grips on each branch as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.

He was so focused on gripping he didn’t bothered to check the next branch that he was going to hold next.

“Ouch!”

Something pricked his hand which made him lost his grip.

Time slowed down.

But he was able to hold on to another branch.

Blood dripped from the wound and the urge throw up made him gagged.

_How far up am I?_

He couldn’t see.

He was alone and he couldn’t ask for help.

_This is why you shouldn’t do dangerous things._

_You know what this means, right?_

He couldn’t find a place to put his foot.

He couldn’t see the ground.

It’s just him.

Alone.

Useless.

Helpless.

Unwanted.

A Nobody.

Nobody Cares.

_Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here._

_I was never here to begin with._

Nothing ever goes where things are supposed to be.

_He lets go._


	6. Change Of Plans

The world was different when they were younger.

_Back when I didn’t know what was wrong._

Lying in bed, Jared threw his phone halfway across his room.

_Stupid phone alarm, it’s the most annoying sound in the world._

He was dreaming about his childhood again.

The laughter of his _only_ point of attraction echoing in the fading memory.

Days when society’s norms never bothered him.

_Blissful ignorance is so much better than this world that I live in._

“Sweetie, don’t forget to take a shower, okay? The pancakes are ready!”

_I love you, Mom._

He doesn’t know if he’s in the mood to eat breakfast.

He just wanted to go to school, check if Evan’s injuries are critical or not, then be done with it.

_But why?_

Heading to the shower, he starts to plan what’s going to happen for this day.

First day of the last year in high school.

_Last chance._

_Begin everything with a good start._

_If that happens, maybe everything will improve._

_You can get it right and there will be no more pretentions._

_Maybe you can now be honest with yourself._

_Please._

If he never bothered with what the world defines as “normal” would he be miserable in the first place?

\---

_You can do this. You can do this. You can do this._

Early morning and he’s in front of his mirror.

_Mom could be right. Just a little ice breaker._

Looking at the cast on his arm, Evan tries to list the people that could sign it.

_Zoe, perhaps?_

_But you don’t know her._

_Jared?_

_He would._

_Definitely._

_Who else?_

_Will it be weird to ask a teacher?_

_Or, you could just sign it yourself, with names of non-existing people from school._

_Mom will never know._

Ice breakers are meant for getting to know new people, _right?_

_You can expand your list._

He has a lot of lists already.

For every new goal, there’s a new list.

None fulfilled, so far.

But he is still adding things on them.

And could no longer figure out which one to complete first.

_Does the first one in the Dangerous List count?_

_You never did really include the process of how to finish that entry._

Despite the failure, Evan was glad that he was able to do it.

But he is still disappointed that his _last-minute plan_ didn’t work.

Part of it is that he just really want to stop expanding those stupid lists.

The other was to no longer feel loneliness and maybe stop being a burden to anyone.

_Forget what happened weeks before._

_Listen to what Dr. Sherman has told you._

_“For once in your life, move on.”_

\---

_I wasn’t high._

Connor hasn’t spoken to _his friends_ since he went to _that place_ , and he really wish that he had.

_Thanks to you, stupid sister, Larry’s going to send me back to hell._

_If he does, I’ll tell them about your ugly ass ex-girlfriend._

Smiling to himself, he couldn’t help but think of all the secrets that he could spill.

Not just about Zoe, but also about his Dad.

_Mom’s going to be finally disappointed in you too._

Making his way to the car, he starts thinking of a back-up plan should he fail to let out what he knows.

Maybe a way to avoid even more interactions with the shitty people of this town.

_Go home when no one is around._

_Pack your things._

_Never return._

That’s a good plan.

But the voice of _one of the freaks_ that he met last summer came to his thoughts.

_“Let go.”_

_What happens then?_

\---

Jared was relieved to see that Evan is only wearing one cast on his arm.

That means nothing critical happened.

_Dang it, Heidi, why did you not update me about him?_

_It’s your fault why I couldn’t do things right for the rest of my summer break._

_Ugh._

He contemplates whether to approach him and greet Alana too or just wait for them to end their conversation.

_Just talk to him._

_No more sarcasm._

_Be a good friend._

When he approached Evan, everything that was surrounding them was blurry.

There was only Evan.

As the butterflies started to fly, he smiled.

“Hey!”

“H-hey, Jared!”

“What have you been up to this summer?” Jared said while looking at the details of Evan’s cast.

“I-I”, gulping and trying not to stutter, “Ifelloffatreeand-andnobodycametog-getme.”

“You fell off from a tree? That’s better than breaking your arm from jerking off too much, right?” _What?_

“What?! Idontdothatwhy- why w-would I do that?”

_How high was your fall?_

“You’re telling me that you don’t jerk off to Zoe Murphy’s Instagram photos?”

Saying her name stings Jared, more than he would care to admit.

_Of all people, why her?_

The butterflies are gone now.

_Why did you have to bring her up?_

“I wasn’t doing that! I mean…” Evan was looking around while Jared thinks of ways to change the topic.

“You must be some kind of an acorn to fall off a fucking tree.” _Is this sarcasm?_

Evan smiles sadly. “Maybe, it could be why no one c-came to get me.”

_I could have._

_I would have._

He couldn’t take it.

_I need to get out of here._

“Is that supposed to be funny?”

“Uhm, I guess so…”

“Okay, I’m sensing your emo-shit vibe again. I should probably go.” Jared turns away from Evan and looks for anyone else that he could talk to.

“Wait!”

Evan was at his side now, searching for something from his back-pack.

“What is it now?” Jared, pretending to be annoyed.

He was happy, really.

It was rare for Evan to approach him first, much more to keep their conversation going.

Jared was always starting their talks, always the one to end it also.

“We’re friends, so I was thinking… Will you-uhm-sign mycast?” said Evan as he hands Jared a Sharpie.

Jared took the sharpie and his hand, ignoring the pained sound that Evan made.

“I’m going to write J.K. on your cast’s palm, as in joke, not Jared Kleinman.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think you need my name or signature. We’re family friends after all. Our friendship is given.”

Jared could see a disappointed look on Evans face.

_Does he get it?_

“I’m the joke, Evan. Without my jokes, you’re helpless. Get it?”

“Oh…”

_He doesn’t get it._

He purposely draws the two letters in a slow manner, pretending to concentrate on the lines.

He likes this.

Holding Evan’s hand, despite the cast between their skins.

He’s been dreaming of holding Evan’s hand without caring about the world had to say.

This is the closest that he could get to _there_.

As he was coloring the letters to make it look three-dimensional, a familiar figure appeared from his peripheral view.

He started to feel nervous when he realized that the figure was looking at what he’s doing.

_It’s him._

Letting go of Evan’s hand, he faced the figure who was just closing his locker.

_Connor Murphy?_

He looks different from the last time he saw him in school.

He has longer hair now.

_That was definitely him in the woods._

_Shit._

_He’s going to ruin my life._

Connor has this look that Jared couldn’t place.

_He knows._

He moved a bit away from Evan.

“Nice hair, Connor.”

_I need him to stay away._

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Uhm, thank you?” The look he had earlier was gone, something else must be brewing inside his head.

“You don’t know how to take compliments, do you?”

Jared was starting to feel irritated.

“I said thank you, is that alright?” Connor was looking at Evan now.

Jared doesn’t like that.

_What is he thinking?_

_Is he going to tell Evan?_

“Whatever, you look like a school shooter anyway.”

A shocked glance came from Evan while Connor’s face became filled with rage.

“You can’t tell a joke too?”

“I was laughing at your stupid joke, can’t you tell?”

Jared was the type of person who insults people to keep them away.

To keep people’s mouth shut.

And Jared wasn’t sure if that technique works on someone like Connor.

But he needs him to stay away.

“Err. Don’t need your negativity, Freak. Bye.”

And Jared walks away, ignoring Evan who tried to pull him back in front of Connor.

“That wasn’t nice, Jared.”

That was the first time Jared heard Evan stood up for anyone in a long time.

_When was the last time he was this confident?_

He kept his back at the two of them, not listening to Evan’s protests, and walking faster until he was at the nearest corridor bend.

He stopped behind the wall and listened to what Evan was saying to Connor.

“I’m sorry about that, Jared didn’t mean it. He’s-uhm-he means well…”

“I don’t need you to defend me. And if there’s a freak here, that would be you.”

Jared balled his fist, ready to go back out there and defend Evan.

“I-I’m aware of that. I’m just saying- “

Evan’s voice was cut-off by the sound of thudding against the lockers.

Jared panicked and went out of his hiding spot.

Connor was walking away and Evan was on the ground, caressing his injured arm.

He was about to approach Evan when Zoe Murphy came rushing to his side.

He couldn’t hear what Zoe was saying.

His eyes were focused on Evans frowning face that was slowly turning to a happy one while looking at Zoe.

The blush forming on his cheek suits him.

Jared wishes that it was for him.

But then Evan smiled at Zoe.

A real smile.

Something that he hasn’t seen Evan done since he started with his sarcastic tendencies towards him.

He doesn’t like this.

He doesn’t like this at all.

\---

When he said he wanted to meet someone new, he didn’t mean his long-time crush, Zoe Murphy.

He knew her already.

Just not the other way around.

In his head, he was thanking Connor for shoving him against the lockers.

But at the same time, he was sad.

His idea of befriending the guy by telling him what he knows about Jared’s tendencies didn’t go well.

He also doesn’t like the fact that Zoe approached him because of her brother.

The plan was to walk up to her.

Tell her he would like to learn how to play the guitar.

That he wanted her to teach him because he’s seen her play before.

Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

At least he’s friends with her now.

_“No way, Jose!”_

_“Okay, Jose?”_

Sort of.

_I’ll find more friends._

_Eventually._

_Hey, at least you’re fixing your confidence issues, right?_

_Mom would be proud._

_Or maybe you should cancel the “Confidence List”?_

_It didn’t work after all._

Number one on that list is to learn how to handle Jared’s insults and sarcasm.

He believes that if he could do that, he can handle other people.

He’s been planning to do that since sophomore year and only now was he able to start.

_Is Dr. Sherman’s advice of moving on working?_

_Hopefully._

He wonders if his failed attempt to end his life was helping him understand the concept of moving on.

Like really moving on.

That afternoon, Evan found himself at the computer lab.

He was trying to write his “Letter to Himself” that Dr. Sherman told him to do.

Dr. Sherman didn’t really give him precise instructions as to what he should put in the letters.

And he had a lot in mind.

But he couldn’t summarize his thoughts.

_Was it a good day?_

_I guess._

He started a new document and typed in the format that he’s used to.

_Making a list, I’m better at that._

He managed to type out the things he wanted to do or happen in a single page.

He printed it out then proceeded to type his letter.

He writes about how he thinks he could make his final year in high school memorable.

How he should take it slow at befriending more people like the Murphy siblings.

How he plans to join bigger organizations to help himself become a better person and a friend.

He writes about not liking that Jared thinks of himself as a joke.

How he would like Jared to stop thinking that way.

How he doesn’t like the “family friends” status.

How he wishes his Mom to be a bigger part of his life.

How he would like the Moving On advice to be a factor at being honest with himself.

He wrote a two-page letter so that he doesn’t have to write multiple letters like Dr. Sherman had instructed.

_This should do._

Am I doing this “Letter to Myself” right?

\---

_I need to apologize to that Hansen kid._

_He was just being nice._

_Besides, Jared probably saw me that night._

_He probably thought I was going to use it against him._

_People who are afraid tend to cover their fear with harsh words._

He knows that for a fact.

He does that all the time.

_That should be it._

_I wasn’t going to use it against him or anything._

The sound of the door opening brought him back to reality.

When he looked up, he watched as the Hansen kid sat himself in front of one of the computers.

_Talk about perfect timing._

_Evan, was it?_

He sat there for a while, trying to think of ways to apologize to the guy.

_The guy had a cast on his arm._

_Why did you have to push him like that?_

When he was about to stand up to talk to him, a printer near him buzzed out a single paper.

For some reason, Connor was tempted to read it.

He can tell that it was a bulleted list.

_Here we go._

_What the fuck did I tell you about not minding other people’s business?_

This usually happens whenever he hasn’t had a joint for more than a week.

_How long has it been?_

Checking on Evan, he realized that the boy was typing something very long.

The opposite of whatever it was on the printer.

He wonders if Evan was the guy who texted Jared _that night_.

If he remembers correctly, Jared was panicking that night.

And he was muttering “please be alright” too much.

That would explain the cast and the way Jared held Evan’s hand earlier.

There was a look of longing in Jared’s eyes.

_Yup, he’s probably in love with this kid._

He wonders if the Hansen kid was aware.

He silently chuckles to himself.

He loves putting two and two together.

He’s observant, after all.

Too observant.

_“Disgusting.”_

_That voice_ again.

_Get out of my head, you bastard._

But then again, that’s why he’s always in trouble.

He waited until Evan was finally saving the second file.

When Connor stood up and took the paper from the printer, he noticed that Evan was now looking at him with a horrified look on his face.

“Uhm, hey.” He walked towards the seated guy.

“Hey…” Evan’s face slightly softened when Connor flipped the papers’ printed side away from his view.

He didn’t hand it to him.

He needed a reason to keep their conversation going.

“I was just here to, you know, apologize for earlier.”

“It’s okay, I-I understand.”

_You do?_

_Maybe he’s used to getting the blame for Kleinman’s actions?_

_That would explain his obvious loneliness._

_Geez._

_I need to stop assuming things about people._

“Uhm, my sister didn’t sign your cast earlier?” Connor said, checking out if he damaged the damn cast.

“You-you saw that huh?”

The blush that formed on Evan’s cheek made Connor want to laugh.

_You too, huh?_

_Gotcha._

“I always look back, Hansen.”

_He’s my sister, even if she’s the most annoying thing in the world, I still check out what she’s up to from afar._

_Especially if it’s my doing._

_She’s always checking out what I’m doing too._

“My therapist told me that looking back can be unhealthy for you.”

_Therapist? For what?_

“They sure do. Want me to sign your cast?”

Connor had an idea.

_This is for having a stupid crush on my stupid sister._

Evan hands him a marker and he proceeded to quickly pull the boy’s injured hand to make him stand up.

“Ouch!”

_Okay, that was too much._

_I shouldn’t have done that._

“Sorry, I forgot about the pain.”

“Most people do.”

_What’s up with this kid?_

_Is he alright?_

He placed the paper under his arm then proceeded to write his name.

In big capital letters.

Mainly because he wanted to annoy Jared.

Even if he understands the reason for his acts, he needed a way to get back at him.

“I’m doing this so we could both pretend that we have friends. Real ones, anyway.”

“I _have_ friends.”

_Jared Kleinman?_

_Is he friends with you or is he covering his feelings for you while using you as his punching bag to make him manlier?_

_That doesn’t sound like friendship to me._

“I believe you.”

“Thanks?”

As he was drawing the giant second N of his name, he noticed that the paper on his arm was upside down.

The last entry from the list can be seen.

And one word caught Connor’s eyes.

_Suicide._

He hasn’t thought of that word since he first threatened his family with it.

Obviously, that did not go well like he thought it would be.

_“Don’t blame yourself, Connor.”_

_“But he didn’t need to do that!”_

He remembers his old friend.

_The last real friend that he had._

He could never forgive him for what he had done.

This worried Connor.

He doesn’t like the idea of seeing _that word_ near a kid who responds a little too gloomily to his remarks.

As he lets go of Evans hand, he took the paper from his arm and handed it to the other boy.

He reads the last entry as fast as he could.

 

>   * Tell the truth about my suicide attempt.
> 


_Is this why he has a therapist?_

He looks away.

“What subject is that for?”

“Not for a subject, for a therapy session.”

Chills creeped all over Connor’s back.

Evan didn’t print the other one.

_Maybe that one’s for school?_

_Do I have homework today?_

_I forgot._

It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to do them anyway.

He watches Evan pack up.

“Hey Hansen…”

“You can call me Evan.”

“Okay, Evan.”

The blond smiled, hanging his bag on his good side waiting for Connor to say something.

Connor realized that he has another secret to keep.

“I want us to be real friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this after arguing with some people about promoting the leaked GoTS7E04 on social media.  
> Hence, the length.
> 
> I love you guys so much!  
> Thank you for the Kudos and for reading this fan fiction!  
> <3


	7. What Is Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I change the main summary and tags of this fan fic since I now know how the story will go.  
> Also I wrote this after being awakened by an earthquake after midnight.  
> I tried to go back to sleep, but there was another earthquake, stronger than the first one.
> 
> You can tell that I was stressed out when I was writing this.  
> So, yeah. This is stressful to re-read.

_What does he mean by “real friends”?_

His head was aching.

And there’s something wrong with his chest.

He doesn’t understand it.

He didn’t realize that he’s been holding on to _that hollow_ feeling since he first woke up in the hospital.

He didn’t know, until Connor Murphy told him that he wants to be _real_ friends.

It doesn’t make sense to Evan.

He was doing fine.

Suddenly he wasn’t.

It was like he was on an auto-pilot mode the entire time and someone decided to turn if off and leave him to do things manually.

Evan was now aware of the people looking at him.

There were some with curiosity in their faces.

Some were confused.

Some simply had a knowing look.

Whatever it was, Evan doesn’t want to find out.

His surroundings were no longer hazy like it was earlier when he left his house.

Things all around him was clear.

The walls were repainted.

The lights and shadows dancing all around.

There were more shorter kids walking by than last year.

It’s more crowded than before.

Too crowded.

It was clear how suffocating this place was.

What isn’t clear to him was how he ended up walking his way out of school with Connor.

He doesn’t remember what happened in the computer lab.

He remembers extracting his USB and quickly hiding his list from Connor.

He knows he let the taller guy write on his cast.

Glancing at his casted arm, he realized that Connor wrote his name a little too big for his liking.

_Is this why they’re watching me?_

_What are they thinking?_

He doesn’t remember what moments led for Connor to write his name that way.

He remembers Jared walking away.

He knows he was shoved against the lockers.

He remembers Zoe’s smiling face.

He knows he did what he was supposed to do for the rest of the day.

He remembers Connor’s brief look of concern before it changed to his usual passive one.

He couldn’t remember anything else.

It’s like somebody erased parts of his memories.

Something’s fading in him and he doesn’t know what.

\---

The afternoon was supposed to end with Jared driving Evan back home.

Jared doesn’t like the idea of an injured Evan walking alone.

Since sophomore year started, Evan refused all his offers to carpool.

_That one’s on you._

_If you didn’t treat him like shit when you were still in freshman year, you could’ve made more short road trip memories with Evan._

He never meant to do that.

He believes that he was on a weird phase in his life back then.

He wanted to be tough for reasons unknown to him.

_Are lying to yourself again, or?_

He could never tell how was Evan taking the image that he was trying to make.

And now that he’s officially a Senior, he doesn’t want to keep that fake image of him anymore.

_Not working, bro._

He sat across Evan during lunch, listening to him mutter about trees.

_At least his summer was productive._

How Evan fell off a tree, Jared doesn’t need to know.

He’s right in front of him now.

He just need to change himself and all will be good.

Evan was doing weird hand motions now while trying to explain something about a parasitic vine.

It’s been a while since Evan was able to complete facts and stories that he was telling.

_Again, that was on you._

It made Jared happy to see an old side of Evan that he liked very much.

Too much.

Jared looks down at his lunch, he hasn’t touched it and the break time was about to be over.

He went for the Mac n’ Cheese on the side.

When Evan puts down his hand, Jared watches him slowly smile.

_Why is he smiling?_

When he followed his gaze, he realized that it was for Zoe entering the cafeteria.

He didn’t feel like eating anymore.

Evan was now filling his mouth with muffins, now with a small blush on his face.

When Evan waved at Zoe as she was passing by, Jared could see at the corner of his eyes that Zoe waved back with her hand down.

After two years, Evan was finally doing something that he heard Evan promised to himself that he would do for about a million times.

And he was to blame for it too.

It was Jared’s fault.

_All of it._

_Which ones?_

_Just all of it._

If he wasn’t the paranoid shit that he is, he wouldn’t have been harsh on Connor.

Connor wouldn’t shove Evan.

Evan wouldn’t have a reason to talk to Zoe Murphy.

_Fuck Zoe Murphy._

“Hey Ev?”

“Whuff?”

“Would you like me to drive you home later? It’s been a while…”

“Ahwudlovedat.” Evan swallowed the rest of the muffin and made a coughing noise before looking back at Jared. “I’d love that, Jared.” He smiled.

In Jared’s opinion, that smile was better than all the smiles that Evan did for Zoe Murphy that day.

He likes that.

Imagine his disappointment when he saw Evan passing by the senior parking with Connor.

They seemed to be heading towards the first row of the junior’s parking area.

_Hello?_

_Did he not hurt you earlier?_

It hurts that Evan wasn’t heading to his car.

That he doesn’t seem like he was looking for him.

Evan has this look on his face.

Stress?

Disappointment?

_SHIT._

_Don’t tell me he-?_

It bothers him even more when he noticed that Connor’s name was written in big bold letters on Evan’s cast.

_What the fucking shit is going on?_

When Zoe came out of the red Volvo that was the first in the row of junior cars, Jared felt his heart tightened.

He gripped the steering wheel.

_Oh no._

_This is not happening._

Zoe seemed to be confused by her brother’s companion.

Jared wants to hear what they were talking about.

Is it about him?

_Please don’t talk about me._

_Please._

Something is off.

Evan looked at Zoe and said something.

Unlike earlier today, Evan wasn’t smiling at Zoe.

He seemed hesitant about what he was saying.

There was no blush on Evan’s cheeks.

He’s distracted.

_That’s good, right?_

_But what happened?_

_Did he tell Connor about his crush on Zoe?_

_Did Connor hurt you in any way again?_

Zoe looked like she was trying to get information from Evan.

Connor nudged her out of it.

_He knows something about Evan._

_What is it?_

They all get in the car, with Evan looking down as he opened the door to the back seat.

_Great._

_Just fucking great._

\---

It was too late to ask for him to get out of the car when Evan realizes that he was supposed to print the Letter to Himself and not his To Do list.

He was remembering too many things at once.

About _something._

_What was it again?_

He doesn’t remember.

Everything felt like it was back to the dreamy mood like earlier.

He realizes that Zoe was driving the car that he was on.

_Oh, right._

Connor was seated on the passenger seat, observing everything that they passed by.

Evan was thankful for Connor’s interruption of Zoe’s queries before they left.

He doesn’t like being asked to answer too many questions.

It reminds him of _something._

Maybe this is why he hates doing exams?

_“Hey, Jose!”_

_“His name’s Evan, you dumbass.”_

_“I know, ‘Jose’ is now our official inside joke now and you’re not part of it.”_

Evan smiled at the memory.

He glanced towards Zoe.

_“So, where do you live?”_

_“Uhm, I’m not going home yet. I-”_

_“If Connor’s going to introduce you to his ‘friends’ then you’re not getting on my car.”_

_“I-I just need to get to the nearest bus stop. And I-”_

_“I’m not dropping you off a bus stop, I’m driving you to wherever you’re going. So where are you going?”_

_“Really, just drop me off the nearest bus stop that is not out of your way. I don’t want to-to bother you guys.”_

_“You’re not bothering us. Now where shall we drop you off? And don’t say the bus stop.”_

_“I just need to get off at Isaac Street before the down town area. You don’t have to take me there.”_

_“Nonsense, it’s along the way to our house. I can drop you off.”_

_“Oh, okay then. Thanks…”_

_“Isaac Street, huh? Isn’t that where that big hospital is? What are you up to?”_

_“It’s for a therapy session…”_

_“For your injury?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then what for?”_

That’s when Connor stopped smirking and signaled for Zoe to stop asking questions.

_I should thank him later._

He wonders if Connor has a therapist for his problems too.

He always thought of Connor as some misunderstood guy despite never having a full conversation with him until today.

_Are we the same?_

The guy didn’t question him about his therapy session, that could be it.

He’s not going to ask him about it, of course.

_Not your place._

“Yow, Ev?” Connor was looking at him.

There’s only one person who calls him that way.

Jared.

There was _something about Jared_ at the back of his mind.

“Yeah?”

“I need to buy stuff downtown -DON’T look at me like that, Sis- and it’s in this shop near the theater. It might take me a while to buy them. Do you want us to pick you up after your therapy session?”

“No need, I have someone to pick me up.” _A lie._

“You sure?” Connor looks like he’s on to Evan’s lie.

Evan avoids his look. “Yeah. No need to be worried, Jose.”

Connor’s face seemed to lighten a little but a hint of concern was there. “Okay, Jose.”

“I thought Jose was our thing?” Zoe interrupts.

“Shut up.”

“What are you buying?

“None of your business.”

“Do you want me to make you walk home again?”

Zoe voices out lot of questions.

The opposite of what Evan does.

_Opposites attract, right?_

He likes the sound of that.

He mentally adds the new information to his “Things I know about Zoe Murphy” list.

He never thought that he would add another entry to it since his failed attempt at last year’s Jazz Band Concert to congratulate her on her performance.

When he got out of the car, he said his thanks and waved to them until the car was out of sight.

He let out a deep sigh that he didn’t know that he was holding the entire trip.

When he told Dr. Sherman about not being able to print his therapy assignment, he lied that he didn’t have a paper to print it on.

He didn’t tell him about his list.

“Evan, is it true that you couldn’t print it because of the lack of paper or did you just forget?”

_Did I?_

“I typed it at the computer lab. I saved it on a USB if you want to check…”

“Maybe you should write it down on a paper instead if printing it out is an inconvenience to you.”

“Yeah, I guess that will work.”

“How was your first day, Evan?”

“Great! I think I have new friends.”

“You think?” Dr. Sherman immediately wrote that down, making Evan curious as to what the therapist was thinking.

“Yeah. I think I had a fight too.”

“With whom?”

_With whom?_

_Connor? Jared?_

_He couldn’t tell._

He doesn’t know.

“With a friend.”

“You can’t tell me their name?”

“I’m not sure if it was a fight, I just know I was shoved against the lockers.”

Dr. Sherman took notes again. “What was the fight about?”

“An insult?”

“You’re not sure?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you perhaps imagining things?”

_Was being in the computer lab and the car imaginary?_

“No. Of course not. I just don’t feel like talking about it.”

“Why not?”

“I think I’m forgetting something.”

“Homework?”

“No.”

The older man writes something again. “What are you forgetting?”

“I don’t know…”

_What kind of question is that?_

Evan’s forehead was starting to hurt again.

But he ignores it.

“What are you thinking right now, Evan?”

“I want to know what a real friend is…”

“A real friend?”

“I don’t know.”

“Work with me, Evan.”

But he doesn’t want to.

_Not with him._

“I, I just don’t know what ‘real’ means anymore.”

“Hhmm. I think you should start a journal.”

“What for?”

“So you won’t forget and so you can remember what is and isn’t real.”

“Will that work?”

“Yes. You can use the Letter to Yourself format. Just write whenever you can. I told you that writing a letter to yourself could help build your confidence, remember?”

“Yeah...”

“Having a journal is the same, but this time, it will also help you remind yourself about what’s happening in your life. And since you’re addressing the words to yourself, it will be easier for you to know which is real.”

_How does that work?_

“I’ll try.”

“Don’t try, commit.”

“But wouldn’t this ruin your whole ‘moving on’ advice?”

Dr. Sherman smiled. “No. Remembering things is different from moving on.”

_I don’t understand._

The therapist leaned towards him, looking him in the eyes.

“How are you feeling, Evan?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“I believe so.”

“Dig deep, Evan, what is it that you feel?”

Evan stares at him.

_Does he know about having a hollow feeling inside?_

_Should I tell him?_

“I won’t judge you, Evan.”

“I just feel… Empty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to our elective Psychology class that I took years ago, people who attempted suicide tend to have severe short-term memory lost.  
> I hope I'm writing my interpretation correctly.
> 
> Anyways, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE KUDOS and for reading this fan fiction.  
> This is a Kleinsen fic, I promise.  
> <3


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